by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list
Coming soon.......Colly in Your Mailbox! Yes Cauliflower Drove is now available via a purpose-created mailing list. Have each and every episode mailed directly to your mailbox rather then having to access it here within Ely On-Line. Make life easy.... get Colly in your mailbox by sending an e-mail to email@example.com
Episode 77 - "Carry On Policeman" (May 19th 1998 2.55pm)
Yaxley Farcett was trying to edge past a mumbling Su Parsons as Fiona Morgan climbed the stairs to his room at 25B Main Street, Barnham. Fiona had been out of earshot as Su made her disparaging remarks about the girl's current employment. Yaxley, already feeling rather protective of the girl, couldn't let Su's comments go unchallenged. He paused by Su as she continued to sweep mounds of dust out of the front door, a little too aggressively. 'What was that Su ?' enquired Yaxley, 'I couldn't hear because of the traffic'
Su broke off from her sweeping and leaned on the brush, before saying, under her breath. 'Yew don't want to hang around with her Yaxley. Working in a burger bar she is. Her Dad spent a fortune getting her through college and now look at her; living at home and sponging off her Mum and Dad again' Yaxley crammed his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. Although he actually wanted to shout at the stupid woman he decided to be diplomatic and replied, 'Well, Su...I wouldn't know anything about all that would I ? I only met the girl yesterday morning'. Su began to sweep again and half-turned away from Farcett. 'Yew know her well enough for her to have stayed here last night. I don't suppose yew've had chance to read the details of your lease, but I don't allow overnight visitors....next time it'll cost yew twenty pound if yew want 'a friend' round.... Just yew remember that'.
Yaxley narrowed his eyes behind the woman's back. He could sense some female rivalry here. The previous evening in The Skaters, Su had been perfectly fine with him. A little too fine, if he was honest. Fiona being a good fifteen years younger than her had obviously put her nose out of joint. He tapped her on the shoulder to halt the sweeping frenzy and said 'Look, I'm sorry about that Su. I'll ask next time, ok' and he produced his wallet and pulled out some crumpled notes. The sight of the money seemed to have a chastening effect on Su. 'No no no...don't be so daft' she said, 'I...I was just....er er trying to make a point. Put your money away'. Yaxley smiled, he knew if he called her bluff she'd back down. He smiled at her and a thought came into his head. 'Did you say that Brian had made all this mess' and he gestured to the dust and clods of mud, which were liberally distributed around the entrance hall. Su nodded, 'Yeah, the mucky sod goes out every morning for a grit 'ol long walk before breakfast. God knows were he goes. I reckon he walks down every slubby drove in Barnham and then drags it all back here with him just to give me something to do for the rest of the day'. Yaxley considered this, 'So he went out yesterday morning ?'. The woman nodded once more 'Yep...It's every morning, like I said. 'Out at about half past seven and back about an hour later. You'd think he'd be thinner than he is with all that walking'.
As Farcett was about to question Su further, there came a shout from the top of the stairs. Fiona wanted to know where he'd got to and indicated that she had a special surprise for him upstairs. Su, now much calmer, touched Yaxley's arm and said 'I won't keep you...goo on. She's a good girl really, I'm not feeling all that much today'. Yaxley grinned and bounded up the stairs three at a time to his room.
He stood in the open door and leaned against the doorframe. Fiona was sitting in front of the dressing table mirror, brushing her long hair away from her head, which she had thrown back, a bit like those actresses that like to tell us to 'wash the strength back in'. 'Well come in then' said Fiona impatiently. 'I hope you're feeling better now, Yaxley' and she turned to face him. Farcett couldn't be sure, but he was almost certain that Fiona was looking different...sort of Charlie Dimmock-ish , and his suspicion was confirmed when he saw her bra hanging from the hook on the back of the door. He gulped and glanced at the clock....2:55 on Cup Final day !!! He looked back to Fiona and groaned. 'It's the Cup Final in five minutes' he said weakly. 'I don't think I'll come in. I was going to change my shirt, but this'll do for now'. Fiona smiled again and replied, 'Well why don't you just watch the second half'. This was a dilemma that Yaxley had not had to negotiate before...He looked at the clock again: 2:56. He hadn't missed a Cup Final since he watched Chelsea beat Leeds in 1970. Although he knew it was most definitely the wrong thing to do, he rushed across the room, grabbed Fiona's hand and dragged her out of the door and down the stairs towards the Skaters Run and Arsenal versus Newcastle United.
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 - Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 - Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 - Episode 23 - Episode 24 - Episode 25 - Episode 26 - Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 - Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 - Episode 58 - Episode 59 - Episode 60 - Episode 61 - Episode 62 - Episode 63 - Episode 64 - Episode 65 - Episode 66 - Episode 67 - Episode 68 - Episode 69 - Episode 70 - Episode 71 - Episode 72 - Episode 73 - Episode 74 - Episode 75 - Episode 76 - Episode 78 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
Comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"
Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.
Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.
DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!
MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?
James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."
World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader