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by Johnny Glover
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Episode 74 - "Testosterone, Cholesterol, Petroleum" (May 19th 1998 1.50pm)

For the third time in two days, Yaxley Farcett was sitting in the plastic splendour of 'Like Chips In The Night'. Brian Worthington was sitting opposite him, wending his way through a burger, which bore a strange resemblance to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Gripped tightly between Brian's shovel-like hands, the burger was poised to enter the gaping entrance of his mouth. As he leaned forward to take a gargantuan bite from his extremely fast food, a shout filled the air from the other side of the room. A little girl, of around five years of age, was screaming. She threw a toy on the floor closely followed by herself and then began to kick her feet up and down in frustration. The girl's mother quickly got up and scuttled round to the prostrate child. 'Get up Gwyneth' she asked calmly, 'It's a nice toy.... look' and she picked up the sorry looking plastic replica of a giraffe with a short neck.

Whereas McDonalds promote the latest Disney film, the East Anglian chain of 'Like Chips' had managed to secure sole promotional rights for a 'straight to Video' animated film from Belgium called 'The Little Giraffe'. And, as any parent knows, no self-respecting five-year-old is going to turn up at school with Godfrey the Giraffe when the latest Disney Superstar is available at McDonalds. So, young Gywneth decided to use some non-violent protest tactics. Her father, Kevin, sat quietly munching on his 'Chicken Nites Burger', feeling some sympathy for his, now screeching, daughter. He actually preferred the original southern fried chicken. The 'Like Chips' version was pretty naff, he thought. In fact he was quite a connoisseur of 'southern' fried chicken 'a likes and sad to behold, he kept a list of their names as it never ceased to amaze him at the lengths fast food joints would go to make their 'product' sound similar to Colonel Sanders. There was even a greasy joint in Hadlode called 'Len Tucky's Fried Chicken', which was his favourite. What he didn't know was (and this wouldn't have surprised Yaxley) that Brian had actually been to school with Len Tucky.  

Brian ignored the child's screaming and worked his way through the burger, portions of lettuce, gherkin and traces of mayonnaise attaching themselves to his ample chin. Yaxley slowly nibbled his chips and left his burger for last. As he was eating a particularly long chip an inch at a time, he was aware of someone sitting down heavily in the chair opposite him, squeezing into the space beside an equally surprised Brian. 'My God, you can snore Yaxley Farcett ' exclaimed Fiona Morgan, now without her 'Like Chips' outfit on. Her hair was pulled tightly back across her forehead and she had put a subtle amount of make up on. Just enough for Yaxley to notice, that is. Brian turned his head and gave Yaxley a dirty grin, which he ignored. 'Yeah. I do, apparently' he replied, as coolly as he could. He was actually pleased as he could sense his 'bloke o'meter' rating increase by the second. He noticed that Clive Lancaster was looking over at their table, trying to see what the Barnham trio was up to. Yaxley pushed his chips across the table. 'D'you want one ?' he asked. Fiona grimaced and informed Yaxley that she didn't want one of the bloody things. After all, she'd been in the kitchens. Further more, she added, she was watching her figure. At that point, both Yaxley and Brian coughed in embarrassment, as that was exactly what they'd been doing.

Yaxley waited until Brian had finished his burger and asked him to go and fill the car up with petrol. 'Can't we get it on the way back to The Skaters ?' asked Brian. Yaxley inclined his head towards Fiona and said in a 'bugger off Brian' tone, 'Nooo Brian. I can't. So...can...you...fill...the...car...with...petrol. Please.' Worthington looked from Fiona to Farcett and suddenly the penny dropped. 'Ahhh, Yis. Righty Ho. I'll see yew outside later'.

Yaxley looked down at his congealing food and thought of what Fiona had said. He cleared the table of the mess of partially eaten burger and chips and returned with two cups of coffee in real cups, which he had managed to wheedle out of Lucille Hall. He sat down again opposite Fiona and sighed.  'There you go. Real cups for a real girl' and he smiled his winningest smile.

'You still snore like a bear you know' she laughed. 'You won't get round me with a cup of coffee. I hardly slept last night on that lumpy bed of yours with you waking me up every five minutes with your SNNNRRRRGGGGHH !' and Fiona did a passable imitation of Yaxley's snoring at high volume, attracting the attention of the Burger munching restaurant. Yaxley grinned and when Fiona had finished embarrassing him, he said firmly, 'Fiona. I need to know some things about your Dad'.

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 -  Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 -  Episode 58 - Episode 59 - Episode 60 - Episode 61 - Episode 62 - Episode 63 - Episode 64 - Episode 65 - Episode 66 - Episode 67 - Episode 68 - Episode 69 -  Episode 70 -  Episode 71 - Episode 72 -  Episode 73 - Episode 75 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.

Comments to drove@ely.org.uk

Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"

Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.

Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.

DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!

MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?

James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."

World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader