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by Johnny Glover
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Coming soon.......Colly in Your Mailbox! Yes Cauliflower Drove will shortly be available via a purpose-created mailing list. Have each and every episode mailed directly to your mailbox rather then having to access it here within Ely On-Line. Make life easy.... get Colly in your mailbox by sending an e-mail to collymail@ely.org.uk

Episode 59 - "Return To Sender" (May 19th 1998 10:35)

sargeSergeant Stumpsfield, Yaxley Farcett and Brian Worthington were crowded around the computer screen in Ealham Police Station's communication centre. It was, in fact, the general office, but since they had taken delivery of their new technology, the room had been renamed. Brian Worthington was demanding to be shown 'Pammy & Tommy Lee Doc', the attachment that had just been E-mailed to the office. Stumpsfield was still trying to work out why the expected lab results had not appeared on the screen. He picked up the mouse and followed the cable to the back of the PC and pushed the connector a bit- just in case. Yaxley, being slightly more aware of the trivia which flew back and forth over the net, tried to convince Brian that it was not worth looking at. "It's only their wedding video Brian" he explained, "Y'now, just the usual, people dancing badly in suits that don't fit them before the big climax when they kiss each other and the screen turns into a heart". That seemed to pacify Worthington and Yaxley quickly snatched the yaxleymouse from Stumpsfield and clicked on 'return'. He bashed out a message burtonto the obviously confused boffin at the other end and hit 'send'. Stumpsfield was most put out at being usurped by a member of the inferior Drainage Dept. 'Oi' he moaned, 'That's my computer. Get your own. What are you up to Farcett ?' Yaxley turned slowly and said, with as much authority as you can muster while wearing a twenty year old Brutus shirt, "This is MY case Stumpsfield. They are MY lab results. I know how to use this thing and YOU don't. So, step back and let me do my job !" Yaxley began to affect an American accent about halfway through the exchange and the last few words came out in a fine example of Clint Eastwoodese....Let me doo myy jaarrb !!!! It worked. Stumpsfield withdrew with his tea mug in hand Burton Cogglesand sat next to Worthington so that Farcett could take a chair and begin to communicate with the expert in Cambridge.

A minute after Farcett had sent his message to Dr. Coggles, the letter box at the foot of the screen once more indicated an incoming message. He clicked on this new missive and the monitor filled with the words of Dr. Burton Coggles: Chemist, Criminologist and all round egg head of Prince's College Cambridge. Yaxley settled in his chair, took a swig of tea from his mug and read the following:

FROM: Dr. Burton Coggles (MA) TO: Ealham Police Station 10:37 19/05/98
Preliminary results of tests carried out at 09:15 19/05/98
Items submitted for test:
(1) 25 ml (saliva) taken from saddleback pig (female).
(2) 50 ml (urine) taken from saddleback pig (male).
(3) Pitchfork (1) for fingerprint analysis.

Item requested for test:
(4) Voice synthesiser for fingerprint and technical analysis.

This is to be sent to Cambridge Lab ASAP.

Findings of tests:
(1) Saliva contained high dosage of Opium DiSulphate, a dangerous derivative of naturally occurring opium.
(2) As above.
(3) Agricultural Implement produced 3 clear and present thumb prints, 2 high clarity index finger prints and 4 mid digit prints of an acceptable standard for electronic capture. The images were processed by the HOLMES computer printmatch centre and found no current match.

(1) An animal of Porcine descent such as the imbiber of this sub-Opiate 'cocktail' would have experienced a strong hallucinogenic reaction, heightened energy levels and an acute sense of paranoia. The increased heart rate would have forced the system to hyper-stimulate, thus causing the symptoms to disappear with rapidity, bringing the the animal to a semi-comatose state within thirty minutes of ingestion.
(2) As above.
(3) All fingerprints analysed were from right handed males. All fingerprints except two were consistent with that of agricultural workers of an age 20 yrs to 50 yrs. The two exceptions were 1 thumb print and 1 index finger print. After processing by the Laboratory Activity PrintMatch programme, these prints were found to have been produced by a professional person working in a predominantly sedentary position.

P.S Awfully sorry about the previous mailing. Don't quite know how that came to be on my PC. Students I suppose. It is Rag Week. Ha Ha.

Yours Dr. Burton Coggles (MA) Prince's College Cambridge

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 -  Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 -  Episode 58 - Episode 60 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.

Comments to drove@ely.org.uk

Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"

Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.

Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.

DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!

MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?

James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."

World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader