title pic

by Johnny Glover
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Coming soon.......Colly in Your Mailbox! Yes Cauliflower Drove will shortly be available via a purpose-created mailing list. Have each and every episode mailed directly to your mailbox rather then having to access it here within Ely On-Line. Make life easy.... get Colly in your mailbox by sending an e-mail to collymail@ely.org.uk

Episode 58 - "Burton Coggles - Criminologist" (May 19th 1998 10:30)

Ten minutes after leaving Gary Tweedy's stricken van at side of the River Snare, Yaxley Farcett, Brian Worthington and Sergeant Stumpsfield arrived at Ealham police station. They trooped from sargethe car and quickly found the station showers. Stumpsfield produced a black bag full of old clothes from the lost property locker, which he threw into the changing rooms while he changed into a clean uniform, miraculously found in his locker. Shortly afterwards, Farcett and Worthington emerged, looking cleaner but slightly less stylish. Yaxley was donning a Brutus shirt which must have been lost by John Conteh or Kevin Keegan as it had a huge collar and prints of red lipstick marks on it. He had squeezed into a pair of thirty inch waist corduroys which were a brownish colour and his feet sported a pair of cheap supermarket trainers with four uncool stripes. Not surprisingly, Brian's eyebrows remained unraised, as he already dressed like a seventies 'Playaway' presenter and the clothes he had chosen from the bag were almost identical to the ones he had taken off. 'I've chucked your mucky gear in the washing machine boys. They'll be ready to put back on in a hour or so' said Stumpsfield proudly, "..and the kettles on".

As they sat around in the station office drinking tea, the phone rang. Stumpsfield lumbered across brianthe room and smartly snatched up the handset. "Yes....... Yes.......Yes......Yes.....Yes.....Yessir.....I think so.....I think so......Probably......No......No......I think so" he barked into the mouthpeice, appearing supremely confident and totally incompetent at the same time. He turned round and beamed at the other two men. Farcett diverted his attention away from sniffing the shirt that had been foisted upon him. It had that 'bottom of the cupboard' smell that wrinkles the nostrils. However, it was dry. "We will shortly be receiving an electronic communication via the station computer. We've never had one before, so you boys are in on a historic moment" announced Stumpsfield proudly. Yaxley groaned inwardly, he had had quite a bit of experience with PC's in his time in Bradford, and although no Bill Gates, he could work his way around a computer reasonably well. "Yes", he continued, "we now have a computer linkage network to Cambridge, installed only last week by 'FaztKomm' of Hadlode. I have nicknamed it WATSON'. Yaxley giggled and said '...and what does that stand for then ?' Stumpsfield looked puzzled and said "Err..nothing. Why ? Should it ?'

Stumpsfield proceeded to unplug the kettle and plug the computer into the vacant socket. "All set" he proclaimed. The three men sat down after he logged on in the manner of a soldier in the UXB Division diffusing a 4 megaton bomb. They stared at the screen and awaited the arrival of Ealham Police Station's first E-Mail. After a couple of minutes a tiny envelope popped through the letter box icon on the screen and the connection was made. Stumpsfield gingerly clicked on the mailbox and there it said:

FROM Dr. Burton Coggles MA (Criminologist)

TO: Ealham Const.

The officer moved his cursor with extreme care and clicked on the correct line, the tip of his tongue protruding slightly as he maintained maximum concentration. The screen filled up with a page of nothingness. In the corner was a solitary small box. "Ooh. Where's the letter ?" exclaimed Stumpsfield. Yaxley leaned across and peered at the screen. 'I think the eminent criminologist has sent you the wrong information. That's called an attachment and I don't think we'll get much joy on the Dixon case from 'Pammy & Tommy Lee Doc'.........

...........and anyone who understands that last bit should be ashamed of themselves.


FootNote: According to "A possible future for Computer Technology" by Terence Benczik, "A recent survey has revealed that 80.5% of Oxford Dons seek out the likely pornographic potential on the Internet before making use of that facility for purposes connected with their own disciplines or research". I filched that from an Inspector Morse novel by the way, I can't say there are many Benczik's in my bookcase.

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 -  Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 - Episode 59 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.

Comments to drove@ely.org.uk

Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"

Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.

Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.

DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!

MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?

James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."

World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader