title pic

by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list

Episode 37 - "The Bay of Pigs - Part 4" - (May 18th 1998 11.10pm)

pub signClive Lancaster was pinned to the Railway line by a twenty five stone Saddleback pig. The pig was breathing deeply and emitting a tooth grinding snore which did not bode well for his early release. He lifted his face from the rail and saw the signalman, Jim Bullock leaning against the signalbox wall. "Help !" he pleaded. Jim suddenly pushed himself away from the wall and rushed over to Lancaster. 'Oh Christ !', he wailed. 'We've got two dozen bloody pigs here to shift and the only help I've got is trapped under one of 'em. Brilliant !' As Jim Bullock and Clive Lancaster stared at each other there came a series of loud bangs. The driver of the Royal Train threw the brakes on and there was an ear shattering squeal of metal on metal as the engine tried to come to a halt.Queenie

Meanwhile, the convoy of cars, bikes and mopeds were flying down Cauliflower Drove just as the explosions went off. Fiona Morgan was the first to reach the crossing, followed by Johnny Swift. Fiona and Yaxley Farcett leapt out of her Mini Metro and joined Jim Bullock beside the postrate form of Clive Lancaster. They were soon joined by the rest of the Skaters Run regulars that had made the trip down the Drove. 'At least you managed to stop the train in time' mentioned Yaxley, hoping to make Jim Bullock feel better. Yaxley had noticed, even in the moonlight, that Jim wasn't looking too well. 'That's a good thing isn't it ?' he asked. 'Just imagine what would have happened if it had ploughed through this lot'. Jim Bullock turned to Farcett and said with a shakey voice 'Hev you got your badge bor ? I think you ought to be the one to speak to 'er'. Jim then explained to the still beer fuddled Farcett that, not two hundred yards away, sat the Queen. She was probably already wondering what the delay was and it would be better if an officer of the law explained the reason, rather than a humble KwickTrak employee. Yaxley took off his baseball hat and rubbed his face with hands. The Quangleroot, Threaknecks and the rest were starting to take their toll now he was out in the fresh air. 'Yeah, s'pose I'd better. I am the responsible one here' he said before stumbling off in the direction of the train.

clunchThe rest of the assembled 'helpers' began the task of rolling the pigs off the crossing and onto the side of the the track. Special care was taken with the one that was still holding Clive Lancaster hostage. 'Thank you, thank you. I thought I was going to die there for a bit' he said with relief. 'Yew shunt 'a run yew daft bugger' said Clunch Parsons. 'Should a stared 'em out, shunt e' Hummer'. Lancaster glared at Parsons. 'Stared them out ! Didn't you see the things chasing me through the street. They were incensed ! I couldn't do anything but run !' Clunch turned to Hummer and said 'What would yew hev done Hummer, if they'd come for yew like that ?' Hummer Thompson's bottom lip stuck out and he removed his cap to scratch his head. 'Ider stared 'em out Cluncher. Stared the buggers out. Stood my ground and stared 'em out. Bloody townies allus run when a pigs arter 'em'

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 38 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.

Comments to drove@ely.org.uk

Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"

Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.

DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!

MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?

James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."

World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader