by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list
Episode 36 - "The Bay of Pigs - Part 3" - (May 18th 1998 11.09pm)
The Royal Train was just passing Ealham North Junction as Her Majesty finished a cup of tea and stared out into the dark night. If she had looked out of the other side of the train and glanced up she would have seen Signalman, Dougie Clark, standing to attention on the balcony of the box, jaw stuck proudly out. It had been a long time since the Royals had used the line and the new operating company, 'KwikTraK PLC', had told all staff to show due reverence. Dougie would have acted in the correct manner, company directive or not. He was proud to see the train through his section of line exactly on time. He stepped smartly back inside the signal box and picked up the telephone. After giving two short bursts to call up the Cauliflower Drove box, he began to idly polish the brass bells with a rag. After a longer than normal wait a breathless voice came on the other end. "Doug...stop it...stop the soddin' thing. Quick, do something, Doug !" Dougie urged Jim Bullock to calm down. Jim had taken over control of the Cauliflower Drove box at two o'clock when Jak Jackson had finished his shift. Normally a placid character, Dougie was surprised that the Royal Train would have had this effect on his colleague. "Now then, Jim. The train's left my section. It's on time and there's no problem. I personally watched her Majesty pass through, not two minutes ago". "You don't bloody listen, do you Dougie", shouted Jim, "I've got twenty five bloomin' pigs lying fast a'soddin' sleep on the line right outside the box ! It's gonna be like a bloody abattoir out here in a few minutes !" Naturally, this took a couple of seconds to sink in. When Doug realised the full horror of the situation he took control. "Jim. Take some deep breaths. Not too many, we 'aint got time. Then get your detonators out and go and stick 'em down on the line as far up towards me as you can. That'll stop the train. I'll ring Ealham station and the Police and we'll get some people down there to sort the pigs out". There was a silence which Doug found unnerving so he bellowed "Did you get all that, Jim !" "Yes. Yes. Yes" replied Jim and he threw the phone down before grabbing his emergency bag and almost falling down the signal box steps in hurry.
Jumping over the prostrate form of three sleeping pigs like an Olympic hurdler, Jim stumbled over the track ballast until he had got about quarter of a mile up the line. He clipped the flat, round explosive to the rail and made his way back in the direction of the signal box. After fixing a further five to the rail he leant against the box wall, sweating and breathing in deep gulps of air. If the emergency measure went to plan, the train should ride over the detonators causing six extremely loud explosions, enough to warn the driver to put the brakes on. Jim normally only used them to get his stove going in the morning. A couple of detonators set the fire off with a bang.
Jim's breathing was returning to normal. In the distance he could see the
lights of the eleven ten beginning to grow more intense. He rubbed his face
with his hands and moaned quietly to himself. Looking to his left at the
mass of snoring pigs that were spread over two lines in the middle of level
crossing, he noticed that one the the larger animals was laying on something.
A dark green form moved fractionally and a face turned to him in agony and
despair. "Please" implored Clive Lancaster. "Get this bloody thing off me
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 - Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 - Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 - Episode 23 - Episode 24 - Episode 25 - Episode 26 - Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 37 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
Comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"
Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.
DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!
MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?
James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."
World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader