by Reg Dixon
click here for cast
list
Episode 18 - "The Cake Tin From Hell" (May 18th 1998 4.10pm)
Daisy Worthington
walked into the kitchen of Split Feather Farm. She was in her element; a
room full of men to feed. As well as her son John and Grandson Darren, they
had now been joined by her youngest son, Brian. For some strange reason he
had brought along the funny looking Policeman (or so he bloomin' said he
was !) Yaxley Farcett. Daisy looked across the kitchen at Farcett. 'I 'spose
yule want a bloomin' cake 'an all woancher ?' Ignoring the worried looking
glances from John and Darren, he nodded, fully aware that any one over fifty
years of age takes it personally if you refuse an offer of food. Daisy poured
out cups of tea for the men and then placed the Cake Tin From Hell on the
kitchen table. 'Now then ! Who wants a fancy !!' John mentioned something
about having had a huge lunch with his wife, Anne, only a couple of hours
before. Darren said he had been eating crisps all afternoon and Brian
explained that
he had been overdoing the Hobnobs a bit too much lately. Yaxley, as the newcomer,
and keen to get into a potential witnesses good books bravely enthused 'Yes
please. I'm starving.' Although three of the four had indicated that they
were not in the mood or in Fen parlance, 'Hoved', Daisy Worthington completely
ignored them. 'Goo on. Get 'em down you. Yor all working men'. She looked
at Farcett; 'apart from you. I'm not sure about you'. She removed the lid
and passed the tin around the room. John, Brian and Darren reached into the
tin and after a rather long time deciding took out their choice of 'baked
delight'. Brian passed the tin to Yaxley, whispering under his breath. 'Sorry
mate. Your lucks out'. Yaxley put the tin on his lap and gazed in. Sitting
sadly at the side of the tin was what appeared to be, at first glance, a
stuffed toy. Unknown to Yaxley, this lonesome cake had first been purchased
nine days before. In it's long life (for a cake) it had been out on display
on a plate five times, stood out in the sun three times and been dropped
on the floor twice. It had been around the block. With it's blue tinge and
short growth of what looked like hair, Yaxley didn't know whether to eat
it or comb it. Because of Daisy's failing eyesight and wandering memory,
she was unaware of the horrors she kept in her tin and didn't realise that
each tea time was a game of 'Cake Roulette' for her family. Yaxley was just
about to chance a refusal when Daisy sensed a cake 'refusenik'. 'Git the
bloomin' thing down you boy. If you get a bit of fat on you, you might be
able to catch the bloke what stuck a pitchfork into young Dixon's bloomin'
chest !" Yaxley quietly
conceded defeat
and picked up the cake. If it had been a dog at a Animal Shelter it would
have licked him for being chosen. In fact, with all the bacteria and growth
on this particular 'fancy', given another couple of days it would be able
to lick him. Given a further month, a full scale terror attack on New York
wouldn't be out of the question. Yaxley decided to be brave, in the manner
of a 'down in one' in the pub. He removed the paper cake cup and shoved it
into his mouth and swiftly took a swig of tea to aid the passage of the 'fancy'.
The overwhelming taste seemed to be of penicillin. By the time the cake was
moving down in his throat, Yaxley was having flashbacks of visits to the
dentist, hospital and the first day of a school term. It was a bleachy,
mediciney, scourering kind of a taste. It was bloody disgusting. He looked
across at Daisy Worthington who was obviously waiting for his verdict. Yaxley
smiled at her; 'Bloomin' lovely !'
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 - Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 - Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 19 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
Comments to drove@ely.org.uk
Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.
James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."
World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader
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