by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list
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Episode 96 - "Give Us a Cluedo" (May 20th 1998 2pm)
Yaxley Farcett and Fiona Morgan were strolling, hand in hand, around the greens and gardens that surrounded Ealham Cathedral. Hundreds of visitors to the City were milling around the same areas as they waited for the time to arrive to collect their Degrees in the Cathedral.
The pair skirted alongside the south end of the building to find yet another secluded green, which sported a large marquee, providing refreshments for the influx of strangers to Ealham. To Yaxley's surprise, and delight, it turned out to be a beer tent. Making his way past groups of chatting families, all in their Sunday best, Yaxley arrived at the bar. A large familiar figure had his back to the bar and was pouring a pint of 'Summer Threaknecks' from a barrel mounted on a trestle table. Johnny Swift turned around and boomed 'Was it one or two o' these lad ?' to a bespectacled youth standing next to Yaxley. He noticed Farcett and Fiona and let out a sigh, 'Bugger me ! Not you two an all ? I reckon the whole of Barnham's over here today'. Yaxley enquired who else Johnny had seen, and it turned out that for a variety of reasons the Skaters Run regulars had a part to play in The Open University's big day. Dave Stumpsfield was on duty outside the East Door, ensuring that nobody got out of hand after too much Champagne; Clunch Parsons and Hummer Thompson were ushers inside the Cathedral, although they had already visited the beer tent four times each . Anne Worthington was wandering round in her Graduate regalia taking in the sunshine and looking very nervous as her time approached to collect her degree. According to Johnny, she also had her husband John and son Darren with her, although they looked bored with the whole affair and would rather be doing something more 'useful'. As well as that clutch of locals, Fiona's dad was 'pressing the flesh' in his role as local MP and frequently dragging his speech out of his pocket to make sure he would be word perfect. Hummer Thompson had heard of the allegations against Morgan on the radio and he knew that it was his Father's land that was the subject of the fraud. Whilst drowning his third pint he had said to Swift that 'that thieving bugger needs sorting out ! That land were given to the village by my ol' dad'. 'So he knows then ?' asked Yaxley. 'We all know now Yaxley...and no one is best pleased. I know he's your dad Fiona but he can't get away with it. When I asked him about it, he said he couldn't comment because he was seeing his solicitor!' Fiona gave a non-committal shrug and wandered off to find her dad. 'So, that's the lot is it Johnny ? Anyone else I should watch out for ?' Swift laughed, 'Well your mate Graham Trent is here as well. He's covering it for The Ealham Observer, taking a few photos and speaking to any locals that are getting their degrees today'.
Yaxley frowned; all the main players in the Dixon murder seemed to have gravitated towards the Cathedral in an uncanny, and some might say contrived way, as if the denouement to this whole sorry story were approaching.
As Yaxley stood with his drink, taking in that gorgeous smell of grass in a marquee, Clunch Parsons walked over carrying a tray of drinks. As well as being an usher inside the cathedral, he was also acting as waiter outside. 'Afternoon Mr.Farcett' he said happily, 'Fancy a glass of 'great with vol-au-vents ?' nodding at the drinks on the tray. Yaxley shook his head. It was probably a drinkable wine but he wasn't prepared to drink something with a name like that. Along with pre-grated cheese, he thought this new tendency for 'dumbinh-down' was the lowest the supermarkets had sunk in their efforts to 'educate' the great unwashed. 'No thanks' Clunch' he said, 'But while you're here can I have a quick word ?'
Clunch put the tray down on a nearby table and indicated that they should both sit down. 'Is it about Hummer ?' he said 'The soft old bugger is about ready to rip Morgan's gizzard out. It takes a lot to get Hummer riled but this has got 'im going. You don't cross a Thompson and get away with it' Yaxley shook his head. 'Well...no it's not. I'll have a word with Hummer though. He can't take the law into his own hands. No...this is about you and Brian and your private enterprise' Clunch frowned, 'What you mean.... The Cordial ? I haven't made any of that for years....what's he said ?' Yaxley leaned forward and said firmly, 'It's all gone now..and I'll say no more about it as long as you promise your Godfrey's Cordial days are over'. Clunch nodded furiously, 'Yes Yes Yes Inspector...You can be assured I have forgotten the recipe and have no access to any equipment. You have my promise...Safe as a church tied to a bloomin' hedge that is ' and he scurried off with his tray to find Hummer.
Yaxley finished his drink and wandered around to the main door of the East Tower, where he had gone to meet Anne Worthington the day before. He found Fiona talking to Stumpy and he appeared to be sympathising with her for her fathers' present predicament. As Yaxley approached he heard Stumpy say, 'Oh yes Fiona, Yaxley was very fair with your dad. The model professional'. Stumpy winked at Yaxley as he approached and asked the couple if they wanted to go in. Farcett agreed with Fiona that it might be interesting and he took two admission tickets from Stumpy and they ducked in through the ancient oak doorway.
As they took in the scene; a Cathedral almost full of people and flowers and with the strains of Vaughn Williams 'In a Fen country' soothingly played over the pa system, Farcett could feel a sense of well-being wash over him. He led Fiona to a pew at the back and they sat down. Fiona dipped her head and appeared to be giving some kind of a prayer when Yaxley realised that in front of them sat the Worthington's. He tapped John on the shoulder and the large man spun around. 'Farcett!' he exclaimed 'What are you doing here ?' At the sound of the name Anne and Darren also spun round to see why the Drainage Inspector was there. Yaxley explained that he was just taking in the atmosphere and John Worthington barked, 'I wish I was at home...Only here cause she's come to collect her piece of bloody paper to prove she knows something about history' and he pointed to Anne who was also looking as if she would rather be elsewhere. Yaxley leant forward and whispered to Anne. 'Enjoy it, you've worked hard for seven years for this moment...don't let anyone spoil it for you'. Anne touched Yaxley sleeve and nodded, careful not to let John see any intimacy.
As the first graduates began to file towards to front of the Cathedral to collect their degrees, a harassed Clunch Parsons scuttled down the aisle, causing many heads to turn in the process. He arrived at Farcett's pew and gasped for air...'Yaxley, thank god you're here, I was going out to get Stumpy, but I think you'll deal with this better !' Yaxley leaned across and hissed. 'Come on Clunch what is it...The ceremony's started..spit it out !'
Clunch took a deep breath....'It's Mr.Thompson, in the Chapel, with the candlestick !!!!'
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 - Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 - Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 - Episode 23 - Episode 24 - Episode 25 - Episode 26 - Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 - Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 - Episode 58 - Episode 59 - Episode 60 - Episode 61 - Episode 62 - Episode 63 - Episode 64 - Episode 65 - Episode 66 - Episode 67 - Episode 68 - Episode 69 - Episode 70 - Episode 71 - Episode 72 - Episode 73 - Episode 74 - Episode 75 - Episode 76 - Episode 77 - Episode 78 - Episode 79 - Episode 80 - Episode 81 - Episode 82 - Episode 83 - Episode 84 - Episode 85 - Episode 86 - Episode 87 - Episode 88 - Episode 89 - Episode 90 - Episode 91 - Episode 92 - Episode 93 - Episode 94 - Episode 95 - Episode 97 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
Comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"
Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.
Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.
DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!
MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?
James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."
World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader