by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list
Coming soon.......Colly in Your Mailbox! Yes Cauliflower Drove is now available via a purpose-created mailing list. Have each and every episode mailed directly to your mailbox rather then having to access it here within Ely On-Line. Make life easy.... get Colly in your mailbox by sending an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org
Episode 92 - "The Mick McManus Manoeuvre" (May 19th 1998 7.30pm)
Yaxley peered in through the spy-hole of the Interview room door and turned to Dave 'Stumpy' Stumpsfield. 'Is he stewing nicely in there Stumps?' he asked. 'Yep' replied the sergeant, 'Like a cup of signalman's tea'. Morgan was pacing the floor and appeared to be haranguing the PC that had been left to look after him. The PC stared straight ahead and was apparently oblivious to Morgan's requests for a solicitor, a cup of tea and a phone call. Morgan sat down heavily in the wooden chair and ran his hands through his thinning hair. 'Righto Stumpy' said Farcett. 'Nice Cop- Nasty Cop time. Which do you prefer ?' Stumpsfield smiled. 'Oh Yaxley. I've never had a chance to do this. I'm not sure. Which do you want ?' Farcett frowned and replied, 'C'Mon Stumps, this isn't a bloody parlour game. What do want to do...nice or nasty ?' Another decisionless pause caused Farcett to say 'I think you'd better be 'nice' don't you ?' Stumpsfield nodded. 'Ok Yaxley...I think you're better at being nasty than me'. Farcett assumed his Clint Eastwood drawl and snarled 'You better freakin' believe it !' as he kicked the door open on a startled Morgan.
Yaxley strode into Interview Room number one, known to CID locally as 'The Kitchen' because of all the villains they had grilled in there. The walls were painted a dull grey and the only furniture was a battered old wooden table and two chairs. The table was marked with a thousand stubbed out cigarettes and insults scratched onto the surface. Farcett inclined his head to indicate to the young PC that his presence wasn't required any more and he turned to face Cedric Morgan. As soon as the door shut, Morgan opened his mouth to speak and Yaxley, like a gunslinger, shoved a cigarette packet into Morgan's mouth. 'Right' hissed Yaxley leaning across the table, 'Don't think you have any rights because you haven't. No brief, no phone call, no cups of tea until I get the truth. You're not dealing with the regular force here. I'm Farcett of the Drainage Division and we operate on the edges of the law in pursuit of the truth'. Not bad he thought for something he'd just made up. '...And no taped interview either. The only tape in this room is my 20 Disco Chartbusters' and just to prove it he took it out of his pocket and slotted it into the top pocket of Morgan's jacket, disrupting the perfect folding of the neatly positioned handkerchief. 'Listen to it later', he said, 'It might slacken your stiff arse !'
Stumpsfield, having now had full view of Yaxley's nastiness stepped forward. Farcett got up, turned his back on Morgan and winked at Stumpy. Stumpsfield coughed with embarrassment and said meekly, 'Y'awlright then Mr.Morgan ?' as nicely as he could. Morgan's eyes bulged and his jaws clamped down on the cigarette packet. Unfortunately, the more he tried to protest, the further the cigarettes entered his mouth. He pulled the packet out and spat out showers of tobacco and paper before shouting, 'My God ! My God ! He's an animal Dave....where did you get him from ?' He was just about to add that he would complain to his MP when he remembered that he was his MP and he pointed at Farcett's back, 'I told you before boy..I know the Chief Inspector. You'll never work again !
This has been the biggest mistake of your lousy life !' Stumpy leaned in towards Morgan and mumbled, 'D'you fancy tea or coffee. Yew look a bit dry', as flakes of tobacco flew from Morgans lips and chin as he continued to rail at the back of Farcett. 'We've got some hob-nobs as well' added Stumpsfield, wondering if he was being nice enough.
'Bugger off Dave...Just Bugger off !' shouted Morgan. 'What's wrong with him', he complained, jabbing an angry finger at Farcett's back. Yaxley completed his inspection of the wall and turned round to face Morgan. He took three steps towards him and then circled behind him. As he turned his head to see what Farcett was doing, Yaxley grabbed Morgan's ears and held him there, so he could only face forward. The more Morgan struggled, the harder Yaxley twisted the politician's lugholes. 'You're mad' screamed the politician, hands now trying to drag Yaxley's fingers off his ears. 'You cannot do this ! You cannot ! It's 1998. You cannot attack an innocent man like this ! Stumpsfield Do Something' he shouted. Stumpy looked at Farcett and saw him grin and shake his head before giving Morgan's ears another twist. 'No can do, Cedric' said Stumpy. 'This is a Drainage Squad matter. I can only act on DI Farcett's instructions....Did you say you took sugar or not ??'
Farcett let go of Morgan's ears and sat back down across the table from Morgan. 'I spoke to that gormless script writer cum accountant of yours earlier' he said. 'He said he had breakfast with you, but that wasn't until much later than eight o'clock. You've lied to the people of Barnham about Thompson's Wood and you're lying about where you were on Friday morning...Aren't you ?'
Morgan put his head in his hands. 'You know about all that do you ? Dixon's papers I suppose ?' Farcett nodded. 'I know most of it'. 'Ok..'said Morgan. 'I was at my girlfriend's flat in Cambridge until half past eight. I caught the train to Ealham and Lancaster picked me up'. Yaxley smiled, 'Good. Now we're getting somewhere', and he kicked Morgan on the shin. Quite nastily.
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 - Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 - Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 - Episode 23 - Episode 24 - Episode 25 - Episode 26 - Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 - Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 - Episode 58 - Episode 59 - Episode 60 - Episode 61 - Episode 62 - Episode 63 - Episode 64 - Episode 65 - Episode 66 - Episode 67 - Episode 68 - Episode 69 - Episode 70 - Episode 71 - Episode 72 - Episode 73 - Episode 74 - Episode 75 - Episode 76 - Episode 77 - Episode 78 - Episode 79 - Episode 80 - Episode 81 - Episode 82 - Episode 83 - Episode 84 - Episode 85 - Episode 86 - Episode 87 - Episode 88 - Episode 89 - Episode 90 - Episode 91 - Episode 93 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
Comments to email@example.com
Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"
Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.
Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.
DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!
MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?
James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."
World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader