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by Johnny Glover
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!

Coming soon.......Colly in Your Mailbox! Yes Cauliflower Drove is now available via a purpose-created mailing list. Have each and every episode mailed directly to your mailbox rather then having to access it here within Ely On-Line. Make life easy.... get Colly in your mailbox by sending an e-mail to collymail@ely.org.uk

Episode 87 - "Brown Shoes Don't Make It" (May 19th 1998 4.45 pm)

'If I was going to kill anyone Farcett...It would have been myself !' And with that John Worthington stood up and went back to join his son and brother. The final whistle brought the FA Cup Final to a close and the regulars of The Skaters Run greeted the end of the game with either loud cheers or hisses.

Graham Trent was the most vocal, being a native of North London. He shook Johnny Swift's hand and quickly removed the two twenty pound notes and his zippo from the bar. 'Hard luck Geordie' he said. 'Beaten by the better team though, eh !' Johnny Swift narrowed his eyes at Trent and mumbled something about Londoners and began to business of serving the people that that had made an exodus from the front row seats in front of the television to the bar.

As the players either fell to their knees in defeat or leapt about their team mates in joy, the front door of The Skaters Run opened and in strode Clive Lancaster, now fully recovered from his experience of the previous night. He had spent some quality time with his family to try to erase the embarrassing memory of being chased through the street by twenty pigs and pinned down for fifteen minutes by Prescott, John Worthington's award winning Saddleback. After having had their lunch at 'Like Chips In the Night', Clive had written a letter of complaint on his lap top computer while his wife Gail had driven them to Cambridge. They had promised their nine month old, Kieva, an afternoon at the Fitzwilliam Museum and she had greeted the news with a 'HeeeHaaPhhllttt !!' kind of noise. Clive was proud.....'See how she reacts to the promise of a cultural outing'.

Clive crossed the crowded bar. Dressed more casually today, he was wearing jeans with a nice sharp crease and a lemon coloured cotton shirt with epaulettes that he had bought from a discount Golf-Wear Megastore. After getting himself a pint of lager tops, Lancaster gazed around the bar to see who was in. Just the usual gang he thought, hoping that he would be able to find more stimulating conversation than 'Y'arlright then Bomber !' He hated the nickname. After spending ten years in the village and raising his earning level to forty thousand pounds a year, he was still saddled with the puerile nickname that Clunch had attached to him within five minutes of his first visit to the Skaters Run.

On that evening in 1988, he had strolled to the pub after a hard day unpacking. He had left his wife Gail to set out the kitchen things. After shaking hands with Clunch and a couple of the other regulars, Clunch had pursed his lips and said, 'Hmm...Lancaster. Fancy a short to go with that Bomber ?' This had been the thing that had infuriated Clive about the area, summed up in one sentence. At the same time generous and welcoming but with a dry sense of sarcasm...just to keep you in your place.  

Lancaster then saw the scruffy policeman sitting in the corner. He remembered him staggering about very unprofessionally the night before and then stuffing burgers down his face at the Greasy joint they had had the misfortune to stop at on the way to Cambridge earlier in the day. He had already posted his letter of complaint. As well as the inedible food, with tepid lettuce, he had demanded the immediate sacking of the young girl, Lucille Hall, who had snorted with derision when he had asked for mashed potatoes.

Yaxley noticed Lancaster scanning the room and although not particularly wanting to speak to the man he knew he was involved in some way due to his association with Morgan. Yaxley fixed a smile and beckoned him over. Clive saw the wave and looked around thinking that the scruff must be trying to attract the attention of Fiona or Fred Rickett's. But as they were in deep conversation he realised it must have been him that was being invited over.

The two men sipped their pints after an embarrassing introduction. Yaxley was finding it difficult to hide his instant dislike for the man and Lancaster just couldn't believe that this unkempt, pub frequenting hippie with a broad Yorkshire accent had actually gained the rank of Detective Inspector...albeit in the Drainage Division.

'Can you confirm that Cedric Morgan was with you at on Friday morning ?' asked Yaxley. 'Yes.... I can' replied Lancaster hesitantly. We often meet for a working breakfast. On Friday I picked him up from the station at about nine o'clock. Why do you ask ?' Yaxley shrugged, 'Just being thorough Mr.Lancaster'. He paused and said, 'Is it normal for you to discuss your clients business over breakfast?'  

Lancaster put down his glass, 'As well as representing Cedric as his accountant, I also work as his constituency agent and help with writing his speeches. That morning we were working on his Hadlode Heights Development Scheme speech he's due to give on Monday to the NFU. I was rather proud of one section...'Our three main priorities are Irrigation, Irrigation, Irrigation !'

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 -  Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 -  Episode 58 - Episode 59 - Episode 60 - Episode 61 - Episode 62 - Episode 63 - Episode 64 - Episode 65 - Episode 66 - Episode 67 - Episode 68 - Episode 69 -  Episode 70 -  Episode 71 - Episode 72 -  Episode 73 -  Episode 74 -  Episode 75 - Episode 76 -  Episode 77 - Episode 78 - Episode 79 - Episode 80 - Episode 81 - Episode 82 - Episode 83 -  Episode 84 - Episode 85 - Episode 86 - Episode 88 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.

Comments to drove@ely.org.uk

Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"

Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.

Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.

DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!

MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?

James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."

World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader