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by Johnny Glover
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!

Coming soon.......Colly in Your Mailbox! Yes Cauliflower Drove is now available via a purpose-created mailing list. Have each and every episode mailed directly to your mailbox rather then having to access it here within Ely On-Line. Make life easy.... get Colly in your mailbox by sending an e-mail to collymail@ely.org.uk

Episode 81 - "The Armitage Shanks Shuffle" (May 19th 1998 3.25)

the skatersGraham Trent, who had until now not given any indication that he was listening, turned to face the trio in the corner and barked, 'What's all the fuss about ? It was only a dog !'   Fiona Morgan gripped Fred Ricketts tighter around the shoulders. It was not to comfort him more, but to stop the old man getting off his stool to hit Trent. As soon as the words had left Trent's mouth she had felt Fred stiffen and begin to move towards the Editor of Ealham On the Net. The old man stared at Trent and snarled, 'Yew want to shut your mouth. I know you're up to no good...and yew shut up about my old dog !' Yaxley Farcett stepped in between the two men. He put his face close to Trent's. So close he could smell the pints of 'Velocity' lager and cheese and onion crisps on the other mans breath. 'I suggest you just shut up and watch the game' hissed Farcett. 'I'll speak to you later about all this'.Trent gave Yaxley a dismissive half smile and replied. 'Speak away Sewage Policeman. I've nothing to hide. I personally think you'd be better off having a word with your chubby mate over there- Brian Wierdington. Did you know that's what the locals call the Worthington's ?' Yaxley turned and looked across at Brian, John and young Darren, who were still engrossed in the FA Cup Final. He remembered Su's chat about his morning walks and some of Brian's more eccentric behaviour and wondered...just wondered.

Fiona stayed with Fred as he sipped his whisky and explained the circumstances of his dogs death to her. She had known Fred since childhood and had often visited with her dad, Cedric, when he had first moved to the area and had toured all the neighbourhood, 'pressing the flesh' in his efforts to get elected. Fred had always been a willing host and he had been back again and again to hear his stories. Yaxley gave Trent a final glare before easing past the back row of chairs to get to the side of Brian Worthington. He knelt down beside Brian just as play had stopped and a concerned physiotherapist rushed onto the pitch.  'Oh dear..another bloody perm's fallen out' laughed Clunch before finishing his Latest pint.

'Got a minute, Brian ?' asked Yaxley. Brian frowned and said 'Yeah, looks like they'll be a few minutes getting his hair right. I need a pee'. The two men negotiated the various stools, armchairs and beanbags that littered the area in front of the TV and made their way to the toilet. Yaxley wondered if anyone would raise an eyebrow, because men do. It's perfectly normal for women to leap up in tandem and grab their handbags before heading loo-wards but with the male species it's different. We have to subtly guess when our drinking buddies are reaching the full bladder line. It's ok to go a minute after a mate or even several steps behind, but to actually go 'together' is to invite months of derision from your peers. They reached the toilet door as Jak Jackson came out. He winked at Brian and said 'Helping the policeman with his enquiries are you Bri ?' and gave him a dirty grin. (See I told you). The next male dilemma was where to stand. The Urinal Decision. The general rule is that you stand as far away as possible from the nearest person. Problems arise when it's a three-piece set and the two outer stands are taken. It takes a big man to wade into the middle, unleash the chipolata and shout afternoon in a deep voice to your new widdling companions. Why don't we have lots of cubicles, like the girls ?? Yaxley and Brian had no such problems to sort out. The toilet was empty and there were only two urinals. No decision necessary. They went about their business and Brian asked what was wrong. He wasn't looking at Yaxley while he said it, however. He was staring, eyestrainingly forward at the tile in front of his eyes. Rule 2 is that you never, never make eye to eye contact while 'mid-stream' (not in the toilets I use anyway). Yaxley broke the rule and attempted to catch Brian's eye. He had to make do with his left ear. 'Brian....I think you've been lying to me'.

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 -  Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 -  Episode 58 - Episode 59 - Episode 60 - Episode 61 - Episode 62 - Episode 63 - Episode 64 - Episode 65 - Episode 66 - Episode 67 - Episode 68 - Episode 69 -  Episode 70 -  Episode 71 - Episode 72 -  Episode 73 -  Episode 74 -  Episode 75 - Episode 76 -  Episode 77 - Episode 78 - Episode 79 - Episode 80 -  Episode 82 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.

Comments to drove@ely.org.uk

Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"

Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.

Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.

DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!

MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?

James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."

World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader