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by Johnny Glover
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!

Coming soon.......Colly in Your Mailbox! Yes Cauliflower Drove is now available via a purpose-created mailing list. Have each and every episode mailed directly to your mailbox rather then having to access it here within Ely On-Line. Make life easy.... get Colly in your mailbox by sending an e-mail to collymail@ely.org.uk

Episode 75 - "No Time For Soundbites" (May 19th 1998 2.00pm)

Yaxley Farcett and Fiona Morgan were sitting next to the window in 'Like Chips In The Night'. She took a sip of her coffee, stared over the rim of the cup and said, 'What about my Dad ? You don't think he killed Reg Dixon do you ?' and she laughed out loud. 'Bugger' thought Yaxley, because that's exactly what he did think. He didn't think his chances of another date with Fiona would be greatly enhanced if in their second (sober) conversation he accused her dear old Dad of first-degree murder. 'Don't be daft' exclaimed Yaxley, treading water while he thought of what to say next. 'I just wondered how he'd been lately. He must be under a lot of stress, what with the opposition to the Power station and all that'. Fiona put her cup down and said, 'Yeah, I suppose he has. He's been a bit pre occupied lately. It's been as if Mum and me haven't existed. He breezes in and breezes out again without having time to sit down for a chat'.

The reason for Cedric Morgan's air of indifference to his family wasn't just the fact that he was on nasty cedricthe verge of selling land to a large power generating company for a small fortune but also because he had been given extra responsibility by the Prime Minister. Morgan had impressed the PM with a presentation he gave when he opened a new plant-breeding farm on the outskirts of Ealham. The farm, owned by 'FaztVeg' (Yup..), was developing a self-peeling potato. The theory was that the skin would fall off and dissolve during the boiling stage thus saving people that extra five minutes of their lives so they wouldn't miss the last bit of yesterday's 'Neighbours' that they tag onto the start of every programme. Unfortunately, to enable the potato to 'self peel' the scotch seed had to be subjected to forty-eight different processes, most of which would make Dolly the Sheep blanch. As Cedric had cut the ribbon and pulled back the curtain to reveal a plaque he had proclaimed, 'This is not a day for soundbites !: We stand on the foothills of the Scientific Mountain !' The PM was so impressed that he had used it himself in Northern Ireland the following week. Since then, Morgan had been invited to cabinet meetings and was generally regarded as someone who had the ear of the Prime Minister. So, when Cedric had to come back to the dingy church halls of his constituency for his monthly surgeries, he felt as if he was slumming it. 'So, he's been a bit off with you ?' said Yaxley, wondering, against his better judgement, if Fiona could be aware of the depth of her father's involvement in all this. Fiona looked directly at him and replied, 'Well, yeah....and the more I think about it the more I realise that he has been a bit of an old sod just lately. I assumed it was his career, but he always used to get a buzz out of his politics. In fact the more involved he got and the more hob-nobbing he did, the happier he was'. Yaxley finished his coffee and set the cup down, nodding to himself. 'Anyway' continued Fiona, 'what about it ? Why the sudden interest in my Dad ?'

Yaxley reached into his back pocket, withdrew his battered wallet and threw a twenty-pound note on the table nonchalantly. He beckoned to Lucille Hall to come over and he handed her the note, 'Take the bones out of that Lucille', he said and winked. 'And thanks for the cups. I couldn't let your glamorous workmate drink out of cardboard could I ?' Lucille gave Fiona a dirty grin, which Fiona dismissed with a wave of the hand as the younger girl went off to sort out Yaxley's change. 'Blimey. What's got into you today Detective Farcett ? Yesterday it was...d d d d do you t t t t take cr cr cr credit cards and today you're winking at people and being, how shall we say ? 'Fruity' I think is the word'. Yaxley coloured up and realised that he had become infinitely more confident with Fiona over the past day.

the skaters'Well we did sleep together last night' he said in his defence. 'Yeah' Fiona laughed, 'Me in the bed, gripping hold of the duvet, ready to thwart a drainage Inspector love attack and you snoring on the couch looking ready to throw up at any moment. You give a girl a really good night.....what's next I ask myself ?' Yaxley grinned and said, 'C'mon. Let's get Brian. It's the Cup Final in an hour. We're going over to The Skater's'..............

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 -  Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 -  Episode 58 - Episode 59 - Episode 60 - Episode 61 - Episode 62 - Episode 63 - Episode 64 - Episode 65 - Episode 66 - Episode 67 - Episode 68 - Episode 69 -  Episode 70 -  Episode 71 - Episode 72 -  Episode 73 -  Episode 74 - Episode 76 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.

Comments to drove@ely.org.uk

Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"

Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.

Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.

DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!

MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?

James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."

World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader