by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list
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Episode 60- "Trimphant Triumvirate or Three Happy Men" (May 19th 1998 10:45)
Farcett, Worthington and Stumpsfield, sounding remarkably like a seventies supergroup, were still gathered around the computer in Ealham Police station. Yaxley Farcett was perched on a chair in front of the machine and the other two men were cradling mugs of tea on their laps at a safe distance, not entirely sure what the young Drainage Inspector was up to. Farcett clicked on the print icon and a sheet of A4 chugged slowly out of a printer that had been placed on the floor. Farcett snatched up the paper and gave Sergeant Stumpsfield, the professional, and Brian Worthington, his loyal assistant, the news. 'Gentlemen' he said, his face splitting asunder in a huge beam, 'We have....A Clue !!' Yaxley waited for a reaction. He didn't get one. Brandishing the sheet of paper once more, inna Neville Chamberlain stylee, he continued 'The murderer of Reginald Dixon of Chesnut Farm, Barnham was either a farm worker or someone who spends a lot of time in an office'. Stumpsfield grunted and said 'And that's a clue is it ? That narrows it down to about fifty per cent of all the males between sixteen and sixty in East Anglia'. Yaxley stared at Stumpfield from over the top of his sheet of paper, refusing to let an old cynic ruin his newscast. "That's not all. I know it has no relevance to the Dixon murder, but the lab has discovered that John Worthington's pigs were full of opium last night when they chased Clive Lancaster through the village". Brian sat forward in his seat with a jerk, hot tea splashing over the rim of the mug onto his trousers. 'Opium !!' he shouted, 'How in the bloody hell did they manage to get hold of that stuff ?' Yaxley gave a shrug of the shoulders and shook his head, 'Dunno mate. I thought you might be able to tell me. I thought they ate swill myself'. Brian sat quietly for a moment and stared out of the window as the Ealham shopping traffic droned by outside. Sergeant Stumpsfield looked closely at Farcett and said 'And that's from Dr. Coggles in Cambridge eh ? He's never been known to make a mistake'. Farcett passed the sheet of paper to Stumpsfield. 'See for yourself. It's all there in black and white'. Well, it wasn't actually black and white. 'FaztKomm' had set the PC incorrectly and the page was full of purple and red characters in a type known as 'corsiva'. However, as Simon Tweedy, FaztKomm's installer, had said as he had fled out of the door on the day he fitted the equipment, 'It's good enough for Government work'.
Yaxley Farcett took the Lab results back from Sergeant Stumpsfield and looked curiously across
at Brian, who was still gazing out of the window. 'You alright there Bri ?' he asked. Worthington seemed to suddenly realise he was being addressed and replied, 'Oh ah yeah yeah. I'm ok. Just thinking, thas' all'. Farcett turned to Stumpsfield and produced his Clint Eastwood voice again as he wanted a favour from the local man. 'Stumpy....Err Is it ok if I call you Stumpy ? I need two things. One- I want to borrow your patrol car until I can get mine functional again, and Two- I want you to find the owner of a Fiat 'Lasagne'. No registration number. Colour: Bright Yellow. Driver: Female. Can you do that Stumpy ?' Stumpsfield, who responded well to authority, seemed to be warming to the determination of the young Drainage Inspector. He gave a deep nod of affirmation and said, 'Consider me to be already looking, Inspector Farcett. I shall inform you telephonically when I have discovered the identity of the driver' Farcett smiled and gave Stumpsfield a small mock salute before turning to Brian Worthington. 'Get up Brian. I'm not sure why we're doing this , but...take me to the pig sty'.
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 - Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 - Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 - Episode 23 - Episode 24 - Episode 25 - Episode 26 - Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 - Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 57 - Episode 58 - Episode 59 - Episode 61 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
Comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"
Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.
Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.
DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!
MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?
James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."
World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader