by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list
Episode 57 - "Eel Traps and Helicopters" (May 19th 1998 10:15)
The sad spectacle of Gary Tweedy's van sat, disconsolate, on the bank of the River Snare. Water was pouring out from beneath the doors, weeds hung from side view mirrors and draped themselves across the windscreen. Sergeant Stumpsfield waved off the photographer from The Ealham Observer and turned to Yaxley Farcett and Brian Worthington. His uniform was soaked. He was caked in slub. He was happy. "Lucky you called in a professional, Farcett. You may have responsibility for drainage and river related crime in this area but when it comes to aquatic retrieval, you needn't look any further than Sergeant Stumpsfield of Ealham. "Yeah..I've heard" muttered Yaxley to himself as Stumpsfield began to wave his arms about in the direction of the helicopter pilot. Since pulling the van from the depths, the helicopter pilot had 'parked' on the opposite bank. After a minute of arm waving which became a cross between a bookie at the races and one of those airforce chaps with table tennis bats on a runway, the pilot gave the three men the thumbs up and headed back towards Ealham.
"Well. What now ?" asked Yaxley of the other two. "Well, we can't stand here
soaking wet all day, can we ?" replied Stumpsfield. "Let's get over to the
station and see how the boys in the lab in Cambridge are getting on with
the stuff I sent them. We'll get a brew on and give them a ring". The three
men began to slither along to the Police Car at the side of the road when
Yaxley stopped suddenly. He turned on his heel and returned to the van. He
grabbed hold of the passenger side
and yanked it open. A few gallons of river water proceeded to empty themselves
all over his, now destroyed, suede shoes. He swore, reached in and pulled
out the electronic speech gizmo that they had discovered in the telephone
kiosk. Retracing his steps, he reached the road and climbed into the back
of Stumpsfield's patrol car. Yaxley slumped down in his seat, crossed his
arms and quite possibly stuck his bottom lip out. Things were not going too
well. Brian Worthington looked over his shoulder at Farcett. "Wos up Yaxley
?" he asked, "We'll soon get dried off at the Police Station. You've got
showers heve'nt yew Stumpy ?" Stumpsfield nodded, "Course we hev. Yew can
put on some clean clothes out of lost property, as long as you're not
too fussy. Ol' Jack Miller yor predecessor never minded. He were always getting
soaked like this for some reason or another". Brian laughed and said, "Like
that time they found that body in Hadlode drain ?" Stumpsfield let out a
booming laugh at the thought and said, "Oh yeah. That were a gooden. Old
Sid Oxborough had found a dead body floatin' in the weeds. Been there for
bloody weeks he thought. Anyway, the body was riddled
eels, swarming in and out of the body, if yew know what I mean ?' At the
thought of this, Yaxley's hangover made a slight return and he nodded to
indicate he knew exactly what Stumpsfield was getting at. "Any road", continued
Stumpsfield, " Jack Miller liked his eels. He used to eat what he could and
sell the rest to the Skaters for their pub grub. So they'd got this body
up on the bank and Jack was filling a net with all these bloody eels. So,
Sid Oxborough turns to Jack and says 'I 'spose yew'll be calling for an ambulance
or somethin' ?' Jack Miller looks at his net full of eels, then looks down
at this poor old body and says 'No. Let's chuck the bugger back in for a
couple of more days'.
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 - Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 - Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 - Episode 23 - Episode 24 - Episode 25 - Episode 26 - Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 - Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 - Episode 54 - Episode 55 - Episode 56 - Episode 58 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
Comments to email@example.com
Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"
Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.
Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.
DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!
MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?
James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."
World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader