by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list
Episode 48 - "The Hangover Strikes: Day Two" - (May 19th 1998 08:00)
To a casual observer it would have seemed as if Yaxley Farcett had been shot. He lay, supine, on the couch of his new flat at 25B, Main Street, Barnham, in deepest Cambridgeshire. Not so much the 'sleep of the just' as the 'sleep of the bladdered'. His left arm was hanging limply over the edge of the battered piece of seventies furniture. His right arm was tucked in behind his head in a very uncomfortable looking way and his legs were spread as far apart as possible. Wayne Sleep would have been proud of the distance between his ankles. Farcett's 'Life is Short- Start with Dessert' T-Shirt appeared to actually have dessert down the front of it. Closer analysis would prove that it was part of a pizza that he had wolfed down after he and Fiona Morgan had arrived back at number twenty five earlier in the morning.
The fug in Yaxley's head was almost as thick as the 'fen blow' that had whipped up the day before and played the part of backdrop to Reg Dixon's untimely pitchforking. The sound of a milk bottle being dropped on the doorstep caused Farcett to open one expectant eye. The crashing of glass was followed by a loud, 'Shit !! Sorry Su. That's the fifth one I've dropped this morning. I don't know what's up with me this today'. Eddie Eastman, the Milkman, was having trouble getting to grips, literally, with some new style bottles. Previously, Eddie had been able to carry three in each hand but now could only cope with one at a time. The dairy that supplied Eastman, 'Pasteurisation Logistics Inc. PLC- A Friendly Company !', had changed bottle supplier and now Eastman was dropping most of his profits on to his customers doorsteps. 'How much dew I owe yew Eddie ?' asked Su Parsons. Eddie scratched his head, mumbled something to himself about yoghurt, eggs and double cream and replied confidently, 'five pound thirty eight , no err err four pound ninety, err err no five pound ten'. He scratched his head again and said with resignation, 'Give us a fiver Su. That'll cover it'.
As Eddie Eastman drew off in his van, Yaxley Farcett was still trying to assess the strength of his hangover. He graded them from one to five in the same way that hurricane strengths are measured. His left eye rotated in it's socket and he saw the brown plastic of the settee he was currently stuck to. Having no adverse reactions to this 'toe dipping' he bravely opened his right eye. This caused a small amount of disorientation and he figured he was in for a 'Four'. Could be a long morning. Farcett untangled his arms and gave his face a vigorous rub to try to bring some life to his numb cheeks.
Sitting up, very slowly, he allowed his eyes to focus on his mantelpiece
and there, behind his alarm clock, was a note. In large lettering on the
back of an envelope it read 'I'll give you a ring later Yaxley- Fiona xxxx'.
The events of the night before flooded though the sluice gate of his brain
and he stood up shakily. He shuffled to the sink and leaned in, the blood
cascading to his head, closely followed by a rush of nausea. As he began
to retch like a cat with a fur ball in it's throat, his door burst open and
in strode Bunter Worthington, looking unhealthily hale and hearty. 'Mornin'
Yaxley!' he cried 'Soon be time for 'Superman'...Are yew alright mate ?'
Farcett gripped the sink, turned to face Worthington and hissed through gritted
teeth..."Yep. I'm having more fun than a bloody dolphin !"
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 - Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 - Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 - Episode 23 - Episode 24 - Episode 25 - Episode 26 - Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 - Episode 49 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
Comments to email@example.com
Hugh, exiled fenman from King's Lynn says "Hev you ever thought about running a bus trip to see where "collie" is made like they do for Last Of the Summer Wine, Emmerdale, Corrie and the like. Could be a laugh!!!!!"
Who Dunnit? Your suggestions Please.
Mike Northfield says "Oi reckons that there was one of those there freaky weather thingies that frew that there pitch fork 'ard enough t' stab 'im and cause serious illness such as death thats wot i fink......." - So Mike reckons the freak fen blow caused poor Reg's death.
DG says "I did you this time!!!!!!! Shame I hadn't pushed you harder in 1966!!!!!! Shame Nursy Broadhead saved you?????????????????" - after he sent this message they locked him up again!
MG says "I reckon it were suicide. You see, Reg was quite obviously a bit iron hoof or POOF as we call 'em, and in them there days, well it wer'nt propper wus it?
James Brown says "I suspect a fallen pitchfork from one of the overhead helicopters ferrying a local farmer to the office of KLFM for one of their match reports on a Lynn home game."
World Leader reckons "I think that Monica woman did it. Damn girl never could keep her mouth shut. And she was always letting things drop". Yours World Leader