by Reg Dixon
click here for cast list
Episode 3 - "Yaxley Farcett- part 2" (May 18th 1998 08:50am)
Yaxley Farcett ground to a halt in the car park of "Like Chips in the Night" a new twenty four hour road chain that had now stretched it's empire even into the Fens of East Anglia. Yaxley was a native of Yorkshire and had never been to that part of the world before. He had already been amazed at how flat the land was and the fact that he could see for miles ahead of him. Slamming the car door, not bothering to lock it, he entered the fast food emporium. The interior of "Like Chips in the Night" was identical to all the other "eat it & get out" joints that Yaxley had ever been in. He squeezed himself into the fluorescent yellow plastic seat and picked up the menu. It was the usual 'fayre', as they liked to call it. Everything was nestling on a bed of something or relaxing adjacent to a sprinkling of something else. 'Is all this garbage written by the same hacks who do the captions in holiday brochures ?' thought Yaxley to himself. There was one phrase he particularly hated from the glossy brochures.."why not relax with a bottle of wine. Or two !!!" AAARRGH, why did they do that "Or two !!!" Do they think people have to go thousands of miles to go CRAZY and have two bottles of wine ? After a couple of minutes he ordered his meal and lit up a cigarette which he inhaled with gusto. As he leaned back in his seat he heard a rasping "AAHHEEM !" from somewhere behind him. That was closely followed by a loud "Put that damn thing out ! Who the HELL do you think you are !'. He span round to be presented with what looked like a fading forties film star. She was wearing dark sunglasses, a silk scarf wrapped round her neck and had not big, but huge hair. The woman pointed angrily at the notice above Yaxley's head which was politely asking him to refrain from smoking in this establishment. So, no lung cancer allowed but heart attacks from the greasy food AOK. "Sod it" thought Yaxley, just when you really fancy a quiet drag a bloody do-gooder sticks their oar in. As a forty cigarettes a day man he could not get used to the fact that the rest of the world was trying to drive the smoking world underground. He never even looked for signs, he just lit up. Rather like how in a house full of men they will never even consider putting the toilet seat down or how middle class people with nothing to say will insist on speaking VERY LOUDLY AT ALL TIMES in public. After eating his meal, which he didn't particularly enjoy, Yaxley stood by the counter waiting to pay. He got out his credit card from among the multitude he had in his wallet: gym card, video club card, petrol coupon card, soopermarket sooper saver !!!! card and was presently attended to by a gorgeous looking girl that caused Yaxley's pupils to dilate and his tongue to stick to the roof of his mouth. Although the "Like Chips in the night" uniform was less than flattering, the girl did it more than justice. As usual in these 'boy meets stunning girl' situations, Yaxley became a gibbering wreck. He was always reminded of an old XTC song at these times; "When you're near me I have difficulty". Fiona, as the badge over her left breast declared her to be, smiled (smiled !) at Yaxley and said "Are you alright ?". Yaxley had already turned scarlet and had lost the ability to breath as he knew that he would actually have to speak to the girl. "I'm glowing to play you" he said, far too quickly. "Will cledick cad be ok ?" and he handed her his kidney donor card. "No, sorry Yaxley" replied Fiona, having read his details on the card. Sensing he was a lost cause she asked him for his wallet, which he handed over without question. She found his Bradford City Supporters credit card and did the various swipings and paper rippings that accompany these transactions. Yaxley signed the slip she had pushed under his pen and said "Than yu". There then followed a pregnant pause in which they both looked on the verge of saying something. Yaxley decided to make a run for it before embarrassing himself further. "See Ya" he said and stepped backwards right into the path of the old filmstar from the corner. 'Mind where you're bloody going !" she snarled, far too aggressively for Yaxley's liking. They had only bumped lightly into each other. As he was about to protest about her over reaction she glared him in the eye and stamped on his foot. Her steel tipped stiletto drove down, hard, through the toe of his suede boot. In a single motion she withdrew her heel from his foot, threw a five pound note on the counter and flounced out of the door. As the door was swinging to a close, she turned round and bellowed at him. By this time, Yaxley was on the ground ripping off his boot and sock to assess the damage. He couldn't be sure and he was in too much pain to think about it, but he was sure she had called him a 'fustilarian'.
The prologue - Episode One - Episode 2 - Episode 4 - Cast List - 'Did you see the wrist watch in Ben Hur' ?- The Colly Continuity Page.
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